First Place is Carrots

— that you can take outside and wash with a hose. 

- Ikea Rugs

- Dogs

- Cars 

- Shoes that have poo on them

- Children

Assholes, by nature, can only create shit. And after creating said feces, they are also unable to clean up after themselves.

So when I wrapped my sphincter around a big complicated project at work this week, I pretty much turned the whole project into a big bowl of hot, oily diarrhea and I don’t know how to go about fixing it. 

I may as well, at this point, put my thumb up my butt, (that is if assholes in fact do have their own assholes to stuff things up) since it will probably bring some gratification to the fury that I am putting my coworkers through.  

Furthermore, I’d like to conclude I’m just a shitty shitty asshole that cant wipe itself. You can probably find me in the bathroom, crying amongst my peers. Thanks guys!

You were my only friend.